Your Summer in Movies

Here are a few short intros to just a few of the films you can expect from Hollywood this summer. I know, the summer is half over already, but shut up. Don’t act like you’ve seen ALL the summer movies already. And there are plenty more coming out before it’s over. So you’re welcome.

Thor: The Dark World – Finally, the not-that-long awaited sequel to the beloved action movie whose plot you can’t remember. Wait, wasn’t it the one where…  No, that was The Avengers. Thor and his enchanted hammer, Mjolnir, are back for another action-packed unmemorable extravaganza. Get ready to play “what was that movie about again” again!

thor-odin-movie-marvel(something about this, maybe?)

This is the End – Get ready to get your yearly comedy fix for this quarter of the decade. Though plenty of comedy’s are produced, Hollywood is only allowed 1 (maximum) actually funny movie per year; this is it folks. Insider tip: best ending of any summer movie this season.

The Lone Ranger – Get ready for the return of the greatest action hero your parents ever told you about that one time. Along with trusty steed, Silver, and sidekick, newly racist Johnny Depp, the Ranger will do his best to remind you why he faded into obscurity. As you watch remember that someone thought this was a good idea.

Pacific Rim – Giant Robots, extra-dimensional monsters, Ron Perlman in gold wingtips, Pacific Rim’s got everything! Try to follow the action as earth’s poorly thought out last line of defense battles its greatest, poorly coordinated threat at night and in the rain. Switch your mind off and enjoy the ride.

Man of Steel – Watch Superman the way you never wanted to see him: dark and moody with an incoherent origin story. Watch as Superman develops his moral code entirely independent of any positive influences in his life, and then disregards it completely for the rest of the film. If you like near-genocidal super heroes and mind numbing action, this is the movie for you.

After Earth – Watch as Will Smith, marooned on a far-future Earth, learns the harsh lesson that there’s only one thing that can negate his star power: Jayden Smith.

Will smith disappointment

World War Z – Zombies, Brad Pitt, that actress from The Killing; what’s not to like?

Now You See Me – Now you Don’t.

Kick Ass 2 – Watch the sequel to the inexplicably popular crapfest that was the first Kick Ass. Get your bad-taste violence, bad acting, and ridiculous story kicks for the summer all in one place courtesy of Mark Millar, the Michael Bay of comic books.

White House Down – A black/white buddy cop movie with a twist! The black one’s the president! Channing Tatum plays a Secret Service washout with a…. What? No one cares? Ok then…

2 Guns – A black/white buddy cop movie without a twist! Denzel and Marky Mark give us another derivative movie to round out the last 3 decades.

R.I.P.D. – Men in Black 4!

The Wolverine – Get ready for the sequel to the worst super hero movie of all time, and yes, that includes Spider-Man 3 and Green Lantern. Hugh Jackman suits up for another insultingly stupid, unforgivably poorly written and developed bag of garbage. Seriously, how do you mess up Wolverine?? Watch and see… again.

wolverine 2(if you think something cool is about to happen, you are wrong.)

2 Replies to “Your Summer in Movies”

  1. I don’t even want to watch The Wolverine. There are few things worse than the “I have such awesome powers but I’m somehow sad about it and want it to go away” storyline. Stop it already, it is a tired cliche and I cannot identify with it. Which is precisely why I LOVE Kickass and am super excited for the sequel. Garbage acting aside, at least there is no “Oh, why oh why me” crap, the characters are excited to do what they do, and I think the original was as accurate a portrayal possible of how goofy, problematic, and potentially deadly it would be to try being a superhero. Really, how can you complain about a movie that not only portrays the hilarity of a cursing 13 year old girl who gleefully kills anybody she wants and then goes abruptly and intensely dark by burning Nicolas Cage alive (though admittedly enjoyable; burn Cage, burn)?

    1. Conceptually, the 13 year old killing thing is chuckle worthy, however, they actually made a whole movie around the concept that was the opposite of that. If movies were all as cool as their concepts, Wolverine would have been fantastic. Would that it were true. I do agree about the angsty hero portrayal though. Sure, we all run the gamut of emotions regardless of our situations, but the idea that a guy who looks like Henry Cavill and happens to be the most powerful being on the planet would lead a secluded and troubled life isn’t unfathomable, but it is unlikely… at the very least, his mania would likely run towards egomania rather than shy, melancholy introspection. I’d much rather see a Superman story where he whines about being able to find someone who likes him for HIM, and not his godlike powers and Adonis-like looks. Still not the superman we know and love, but at least believable.

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