Your Summer in Movies – 2017 Edition

Justice League – Batfleck and Murderman return in the latest sequel to the poorly thought out, soulless Man of Steel, and its ham handed, plotless, character pigeonholing sequel Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Watch as your beloved childhood characters are given the Snyderverse treatment and transformed into golem-like, amoral husks before your very eyes. Justice League: Where Dreams Go to Die.

Thor: Ragnorak – Hopefully the amazing trailer won’t be the best part of this Thor movie. Never thought I’d be looking forward to one of these things.



Wonder Woman – Just when you thought it would never happen, DC finally puts out a movie where you see the sun. Does that mean it’ll be good? You’d be a sucker to hope so at this point.

Spider-Man: Homecoming – Get ready for your third Spider-Man in a decade. At this rate we’ll soon be reaching Peak Spider-Man: the tipping point where the number of actors who have played Spider-Man exceeds the number of actors who haven’t.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 – If they can recapture the magic of the last movie WITHOUT remaking the last movie, this could actually be a fun ride. I’m in it mainly for the soundtrack.

Transformers: The Last Knight – This movie is being released in Asia under the title “Transformers 5: Michael Bay Shits in Your Mouth Again, Again.” I can’t even anymore. One can only hope they mean it when they say “Last.”

Baywatch – Was going to make a Bay-Don’tWatch joke, but this actually looks pretty fun…

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell no Tales – With a title so long it encompasses half the script, Pirates of the Caribbean is back again, awkwardly asking for money, like your broke uncle or the homeless squeegee man at that intersection. Revel as the most critically nosediving franchise of the decade hits bottom, and marvel as even more respectable actors accept roles far beneath them! With the most accurate title since The Hateful Eight, this franchise has decided to tell you right to your face that there won’t be any story to this film.

War for the Planet of the Apes – The world is about to go Apeshit! …is the tagline I was hoping for.

Cars 3 – Watch this solely for the credits to see who greenlit this sequel. Or better yet, don’t.

The Mummy – Watch Tom cruise around doing Tom Cruise stuff. What? Mummies too? Sure, whatever.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi – In keeping with Episode 7, tune in for this summer’s remake of The Empire Strikes Back!

Beauty and the Beast – Capping off the unnecessary live-action adaptations for the year comes Beauty and the Beast, a time-old musical tale of an uppity British peasant and her CG monster boyfriend. One more summer reminder that, in the new Hollywood, you’ll never escape your childhood.

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